Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser