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One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.