if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
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Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
(Jupiter –
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
That’s incredible! 👌
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats