God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!