me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
You Might Also Like
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If looks could kill
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich