So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
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If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
checking out some reviews of my local library
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
This is what makes twitter great
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.