I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
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not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great