One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
#growingpains
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID