I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
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Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Not messing around
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
😬
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.