Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My circle of trust is a meatball
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats