Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
why does this building look like a guilty dog
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
one last job
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.