Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
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Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!