what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”