If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
You Might Also Like
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
me doing my best
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece