Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
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i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Batman v Dracula
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like