Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
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Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
going to the ER y’all need anything
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
This one’s “Alex”.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.