i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Tuesday
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born