let’s discuss
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Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Guilty! 🤪
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
ready to be harvested
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.