Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
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HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Become ungovernable.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Pizza is an emotion right?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.