Brilliant!
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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
For those that worship cheese..
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.