ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
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Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.