the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
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life finds a way
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I WON A HAM TODAY
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.