My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”