Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Thoughts
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first