I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
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Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
fly smarter, not harder
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.