What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
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Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.