just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
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doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?