How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.