4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
when you don’t want to be too vague
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.