Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
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“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it