Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.