Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
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5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess