“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
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My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
“TGIM!” – My liver
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen