boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
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“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
New menu item
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.