Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
happy valentine’s day to me
58.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words