Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”