dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
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12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Aight bet
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Mad Max: Furry Road
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
jesus christ confetti not now
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”