The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.