Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
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Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
TODAY
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.