My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
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If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably