I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
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I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
We need to put an American base on the sun
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
become ungovernable
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?