Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
You Might Also Like
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
honestly, i need both:
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”