[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
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I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
How funny!
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’