[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
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My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.