Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
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Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
who wore it better?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN