I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
You Might Also Like
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!