Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
You Might Also Like
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
These are my roll models.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.