You Might Also Like
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.