people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.