Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying